Starting to Blog the Process
Todays I finally go to sit town and start reading my way through the Workbook. It was interesting feeling myself respond to the workbook. It was very cyclical. I'd get all excited by the content and the possibility of making the changes, and then I'd start to disassociate from the contents, get cynical and wonder if this was anything more than a "warm and fuzzy" where we all just end up feeling good about ourselves, but nothing has really changed.


Catching myself at that reaction made me stop and go back and re-read several sections. I have decided that there is NEVER any harm in trying something for 14 days, so why would I try and sabotage myself before I begin here? So, we'll see how I go with this and where it takes me, and THEN I can look back and see what I learned.

Confuzzled


Do you ever feel that you are missing the bigger picture? That you're looking at something, that in and of itself might have meaning; but you just know that there's more to it than you are getting; simply because you can't see the big picture?


That's the head space I'm in. Had a really long conversation with my boss today; and he managed to leave me in a strange place. I really wish I could see the bigger picture sometimes, but then I start to think that might be a bad idea; because I'd want to somehow feel or be responsible for it. I think I learned a bunch of 'pieces of information' but for the life of me, I have no idea how they fit into the over all scheme of things. (Assuming there is such a thing as an over-all scheme.)


However, the up-side is that it's a Friday; and by Monday maybe I'll have more perspective. In the meantime; I shall go to a pow wow. (Held by the local PCC campus.) On Monday I start my new class; and this session will be about painting with pastels; so I get to get as gloriously messy as possible. Also, I finally made it back to ballet, for the first time in weeks (nearly a month I think); and had a Fantastic class. The teacher was wonderful, I worked so hard my legs were totally useless for 24 hours; but I really felt like I had the opportunity to really play with it. There was only one place where I felt lost; and I was actually able to just let that go and have fun with the pieces that I could. What a wonderful experience to have. Now, if I can just get greedy and have more of that type of class! *g*

Belated Gratitude List


My belated gratitude list for the week:
- Friends (those wonderful people that IM / call / email / etc; and always are there for you)
- Peers (people that work on your level that are totally open to being there for you and sharing all that pain.)
- New Laptops (That hopefully won't cause me more eyestrain)
- Archives of pictures (That remind me of all the wonderful people / places / things I've seen and managed to snap a picture of)
- Furrballs (Mine or someone else's - what else has the same soothing effect as petting a pup or kit?)
- This blog (Even if no one reads it, the act of actually writing is such a helpful thing for me to organize my thoughts.)
- Coffee (No matter how dark and dreary the day, a cup of Joe will do wonders for the spirit)
- Curiosity (How else would I find new places to explore when I feel stifled somewhere else?)

Setting Expectations

It's interesting how often I get stuck on expectations. Sometimes its the ones I have that don't; can't or won't happen; sometimes its the ones I set. I remember being a teenager and even in college, not understanding all the people who said that your opinions really aren't your opinions. It seemed the inverse of logic to me.


"If I think it and feel about it, doesn't that make it my opinion?"


Apparently not. . . .




The longer I work in corporate america, the more I realize that opinions, values (both In Use and On Display) and even dreams not only are subject to change, but they are subject to context. Some days the dream is about the nice things one would do with a super long vacation or retirement window; sometimes they're more mundane - like a new self cleaning litter-box. Even the great big "passions" of one's life are like paint - they ALL need some sort of media to be seen against. The most beautiful sunset does not fill your heart with awe if there is no contrast to render it vivid.


May you find the best harmonious colours to bring your dream to most beautiful relief in your life.

A view through a window

Ever have those moments where you suddenly realize that somehow you've had to step back from life? That you managed to stop being fully in the moment and participatory, and started auto-pilot to watch the flickering action happen on the screens? As though life were merely a movie, not a full on ride involving all senses.


I think that with all that happened at the end of the year in 2005, that I stepped back, started to watch the action through the window; and then realized that the view was awfully cramped. So, now that we're here in 2006, I want to step forward into my life again. Try and grab hold of at least something in the crazy roller coaster and try and exert some form of control over it.


This is not to say that staring in the window is bad, or even sometimes not desirable. However, life is meant to be for living, not just for watching. Hopefully I can kick the auto-pilot off and start flying again.